Real parenting classes

By Cindy Herman
For The Daily Item

April 07, 2008 07:11 am

— What we need are some good parenting classes, but not the usual “Understanding the Adolescent Mind” kind of stuff — adolescents don’t want us to understand their minds. No, what we need is some help with the skills no one dreams they’ll be needing.
A class on arbitration, for example, could help parents solve the dispute that is certain to arise in one-computer households. If Child A has been researching the unfinished works of Leonardo da Vinci for a class project, that clearly falls under the heading of Homework, which trumps Child B’s desire to play Runescape with friends.
But when B points out that A has been interspersing da Vinci research with instant messages to friends, hogging the computer for the past two hours, he makes a strong case, which A coolly refutes by explaining that the IMs are part of the research — she was discussing Leonardo with her friends.
“Leonardo de Caprio!” indignant B cries.
“But also da Vinci!” A insists, and both children look to their parent for the wisdom of Solomon. A good arbitration class might suggest this is the perfect time for a discussion on sharing. Or for cleaning out the attic or basement or anything else that takes the parent as far away from the kids as possible.
Chauffeur lessons, also, would be a big hit, particularly from someone who has worked for our most famous — and demanding — celebrities. One could easily imagine the challenge of chauffeuring a Paris Hilton or a Justin Timberlake, especially if one is the parent of an adolescent: “I need to meet my friends at the mall at 11, so you can drop me off there when you pick me up at tennis practice. I’ll call you when I’m ready to come home. Oh, and, can you swing by an ATM? I need some cash.” What we’d look for in a good chauffeuring class would be updates on shortcuts and construction detours and negotiating bonus pay for unspecified pickup times.
We can’t rule out an EMT course. Aside from the basic first aid/CPR package, we could save a lot of money by learning to distinguish between poison ivy and prickly heat, which gashes need more than a Band-Aid and how to tell a break from a sprain. Maybe a passing grade could come with five complimentary admissions to the local emergency room.
If you want, you could still go ahead and sign up for the more conventional, “How to Handle the Insolent Shrug” or “How to Handle the Insolent Eye Roll” — hey, it never hurts to brush up on your marriage skills, too.
And finally, never forgetting humor, we could offer a Relaxation for Parents class. Get it? Parents … relaxing. Isn’t that hilarious? We’ll have ’em laughing until they cry.
-- Cindy O. Herman lives in Snyder County. E-mail comments to her at Cindyherman1@yahoo.com.