The Daily Item, Sunbury, PA

Laughing Matters

March 22, 2014

Mom's Dictionary 2

- —     AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

      APPLE: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

      BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

      BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

      BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

      BED and BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

      CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

      COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

      DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

      DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

      DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

      EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

      EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

      ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

      EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

      FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

      GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

      HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded By, but not containing, dirty clothing.

      HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

      HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

      ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

      JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

      JUNK: Dad's stuff.

      KISS: Mom medicine.

      LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

      MAYBE: No.

      OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

      OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

      OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

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