The Daily Item, Sunbury, PA

November 14, 2013

One Liners


For The Daily Item

— Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

Never answer an anonymous letter

Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours

No one is listening until you make a mistake

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Don't steal The government hates competition

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got

According to my best recollection, I don't remember

Life is too complicated in the morning

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving

I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I

Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut"

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

I sleep better at night knowing that scientists can clone sheep